Should I Disinherit My Son Who Refused to Share His $500K Inheritance?

Dear Quentin,

I’d appreciate your thoughts on bequeathing my estate to my children.

My spouse and I are both around 65 years old. I am blessed with having three surviving children, whereas he does not have any biological offspring. Both of our wills stipulate that all assets should be left to one another. Similarly, our investment accounts as well as our individual retirement accounts are designated this way. We intend to exclude my oldest child from inheriting anything; unfortunately, due to estrangement, we haven’t communicated with him in several years now. Despite sending cards and sporadic messages via text, they go unanswered.

We're near to the younger generation. The absence of interaction is why my spouse doesn't wish to leave him an inheritance, but that isn't my concern. What troubles me is that my ex-husband gave his whole estate to my two elder kids (they all share the same dad). One of my older offspring passed away before my initial marriage ended, so the complete fortune went to the remaining heir. This amount exceeded $500,000.

My eldest child refused to give any money to his siblings, despite being eight and ten years their senior. Given how much assistance they might have needed, something—anything—even as small a token, would’ve made sense. It seems like the appropriate action to me. When asked about this behavior, he simply stated, "Dad wanted us all to receive nothing." This is where I stand: since he chose not to share, neither will I.

What do you think about our property being valued at approximately $400,000?

Goose of the Gander

Don’t miss: Americans are 'doom buying' coffee, olive oil, and soap. What single item should you hoard to dodge tariff-induced price increases?

Dear Goose,

I have good news.

If your oldest child cannot be reached and has received $500,000 from their father, they wouldn't mind missing out on a third share of the $400,000 that your kids might inherit from both you and your spouse. When simplified, making this decision becomes clearer: You're looking at giving each of your three children around $133,000 versus allocating $200,000 to just your two younger ones. The second option provides a neat round figure.

From time to time, I receive letters from parents struggling with the prospect of cutting their children out of their inheritance. They don’t want to leave this planet on a negative note, but they are also cognizant of the fact that the adult child in question has expressed their disdain for their parents and/or decided to cut off all contact. In such cases, I tell them to follow their gut.

When there is ambiguity about the relationship, I sometimes suggest parents err on the side of generosity. When there is abuse and/or an explicit break from the family, I might suggest it’s OK to not leave your estate to all siblings equally. It’s your money, not your children’s money, and no one should feel entitled to one red cent. Your eldest child will be fine without it.

This study published in the European Journal of Ageing reviewed 55 instances where heirs, donors, and professionals were involved. The study found four motivations behind giving someone an inheritance: kindness rooted in familial bonds (it’s satisfying to do something generous), fairness to keep the family united, self-interest, and mutual exchange (“I’ll leave you something if you do the same for me”).

Subscribing to ‘family values’

The authors explained that altruistic motivation is grounded in family values (common among both heirs and donors) with the objective of sustaining family identity; hence, passing down ethical standards is considered important even when financial assets aren’t transferred. Equality-driven motivation focuses on keeping familial bonds strong—thus preventing disputes—and acknowledges personal requirements.

In essence, this means that families function as systems where various members may opt out of adhering to the established set of beliefs and societal duties. This is perfectly fine. Expecting every member within a family to share identical perspectives on life or their relatives, along with the ethical and communal norms these relationships embody, would be unreasonably idealistic.

And, yes, sometimes the child in question makes the decision for the parent. As this father wrote Regarding his distant daughter, he said, "I won’t have the chance to meet my grandchildren—or enjoy being with my daughter once more. There are moments when the anguish is too much to bear, yet I understand that this scenario isn't going to shift, so all I can do is carry on with my life."

He opted to exclude his daughter from his inheritance: "While winding down towards retirement, I have been postponing updating my will since I find myself uncertain about what action to take. My inclination is to omit my daughter from the will because she has remained absent from my life; I cannot envision a justification for including her." Essentially, I informed him that this choice was entirely up to him, with no incorrect option available.

Divide your estate two ways, and enjoy the rest of your years in peace.

Don’t miss: “She could easily sustain herself with this income!” My 85-year-old stepmom frequently asks for funds from my late dad’s $10 million trust. Should I worry about this situation?

You can send your financial and ethical queries via email to The Moneyist at qfottrell@Cryptonesia, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, which was previously called Twitter. Twitter.

The Moneyist regrets that he is unable to respond to individual inquiries.

Additional entries from Quentin Fottrell:

“I made it through a front-end car crash”: Although I rely on Medicaid, I’ve come into an inheritance of $290K. What can I do to shield this money from the five-year review period?

“I'm practically terrified to check my account balance:” With $300K in a 2025 target-date fund, is there hope for recovery?

"She has supported him": At 78, I plan to leave my inheritance of life savings to my daughter who is 41, however, her partner is parasitic. What steps should I take to safeguard her interests?

Check out the Moneyist private Facebook a group where members assist with resolving the most challenging financial dilemmas. Share your queries or contribute insights to recent Moneyist articles.

By sending your queries via email to the Moneyist or sharing your challenges in the Moneyist Facebook group, you consent to having them posted anonymously on Cryptonesia.

When you submit your story to Dow Jones & Co., the publisher of Cryptonesia, you acknowledge and consent to our potential usage of your submission, or modifications thereof, across various media and platforms, which may include distribution through third-party channels.